10 Secrets to a Better Love Life
Too much boredom in your bedroom? Revitalize your sex life with these 10 tips.
Most of us can remember the hot --
So what is the secret to a better love life that lasts? We asked for some suggestions from two experts on sexuality -- Michael Castleman, author of Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex,
Make Dates
Castleman
"Make a date for sex," says Castleman, a health journalist who previously answered questions about sexuality submitted to the Playboy advisor. "Don't let it be an afterthought," he says. "Do whatever you like to do beforeh
But, you might cry, isn't scheduling unromantic? Isn't sex supposed to be spontaneous? Rare is the lover with a daily planner fetish, after all.
But Castleman has a blunt response. "Grow up," he says. "What's the problem with making a date for sex? People make plans for other things they enjoy, like ski trips or dinners out."
Weston agrees. "I think most people, especially couples with kids, have to plan ahead because they already have so much jammed into their schedules," she says. "Sure there are times when things spontaneously fall together, but those are happy accidents."
Get Out of the House
One good suggestion for a better love life is to take regular nights away from home.
"For couples that have been together for a while, sex can become routine," says Castleman. "You're worn out by the end of the day, after the job, the laundry, the kids' soccer games,
"And instead of champagne
It can be hard to give into the moment when you're having sex in your all-too-familiar bedroom. Your mind w
"Lovemaking is, fundamentally, a present moment experience," says Castleman. "The best sex comes when you're not thinking about the past or the future, but only the present. And that can be hard in a room where you've always got gr
Castleman recommends getting away to a place that is stripped of these reminders of everyday life. It doesn't have to be a fabulous spot by the ocean, or at least it not every time. A non-descript place off the Interstate might be just fine.
Redecorate the Bedroom
Of course, having a sex life that's wholly dependent on trysts at hotels
"The bedroom does build up a lot of mundane associations," says Weston. "But if you can do anything to transform your bedroom into something new
And a better love life doesn't require installing a revolving bed or ceiling mirrors. "You don't need to do something that will freak out the kids or the housekeeper," says Weston.
Lighting some c
Figure Out What You Really Want
Everyone's got sexual fantasies of one sort or another. But for some people, those fantasies can be buried pretty deep. If your partner were to turn to you tonight
If you're not sure, you're not alone. "Some people have to do a little work at figuring out what really arouses them," says Weston. But figuring out what you want is key to having a better love life.
So give it a little effort. Weston observes that there are plenty of tools out there to help: books, magazines, videos,
Find Out What Your Partner Wants
And then there's the flip side: You need to ask your partner the same questions that you've asked yourself. What does your partner want from your love life?
According to Weston
Some people may huffily assume that they just have higher sex drives than their partners do. But maybe your partner is looking for something different out of your love life but hasn't felt able to ask. So bring up the subject. Talking openly might bring you closer to one another,
Try Something New
Trying something new in the bedroom is a pretty obvious suggestion for attaining a better love life, but it's one that many people have trouble following.
"For a lot of couples, the longer they're together, the more they play it safe sexually," says Weston. "You think it would go the other way, that as people get more comfortable in a relationship they feel more secure to try new things. But that's not the case."
Castleman agrees. "People resist change, especially intimate change," he says. "If you're in an established relationship, you may feel like you have more to lose. You don't want to rock the boat."
But both Castleman
"People have a lot of crazy notions about what a sexual fantasy should be," says Castleman. "They think it must mean S&M or sex on a Ferris wheel. But there are a lot less wild ways of experimenting with something new."
Weston agrees. "One small change that can have a big effect is to interrupt the pattern to how you usually have sex," says Weston. "If you're usually the shy one who waits for the other person to begin things, try starting it yourself. Just take a risk, even if it's a little one."
Don't Ignore Sexual Problems
Sexual problems are a much more open secret now than they once were. For instance, thanks to the efforts of pharmaceutical companies
Of course, that doesn't mean that everyone who needs help is getting it.
"People who have sexual problems do often shy away from sexuality because they don't want to face failure," says Weston. "But these problems need to be addressed head on."
Erectile dysfunction has received the most attention, but there are plenty of other issues too, such as premature ejaculation, a loss of libido, or difficulty reaching orgasm caused by medications or medical conditions
Weston reports that women are coming forward in larger numbers
"Lubrication is important," says Weston. "Because in terms of how aroused a person is, lubrication for a woman is the equivalent of an erection for a man."
Some sexual problems may need medical attention, while others can be solved by trying different sexual techniques or buying a $5 bottle of lubricant. But the important thing is not to muddle through with problems that are making your sex life worse. Don't settle for a mediocre sex life.
And finally, Weston is quick to point out that no matter what you've heard, drugs for erectile dysfunction do nothing to increase a person's sex drive.
Go Slowly
Some couples find that, the longer they're together, the briefer
Castleman likens it to navigating a new neighbourhood. When you move to a new place, you're always trying out different routes to get to the supermarket or the hardware store. But after time, you decide on the fastest route
But the fastest, most efficient route is definitely not what you want in the bedroom. Focusing on the destination --
"The best sex emerges from whole body sensuality -- leisurely, playful, creative," says Castleman. "It has no real direction, a little of this, a little of that."
Castleman argues that men especially have a tendency to go too fast, something that's encouraged by the down-
"Leisurely love-making benefits everyone," says Castleman. "Women get more turned on
Don't Worry About What Everyone Else Is Doing
According to Weston
Feeling like you "should" be having a better love life is probably universal. It explains the vast number of titles about sex in the self-help section of the bookstore,
Castleman observes that the culture we live in --
So how often "should" you have sex? "There's no answer to that," says Weston. "Stop trying to decide how much sex you should have
Keep Trying
Having a better sex life will take some work. It's like this: for many people, life is an unremitting guerrilla war with those extra 10 pounds that ambush you when you're not paying attention. In the same way, people can fall into a sexual rut, a "blah" love life, unless they're making an effort to keep things exciting.
You should expect that some attempts will fall flat. A stab at a sexual role-play may be rendered ridiculous by an ill-timed call
But the important thing is to keep trying anyway. Don't let self-consciousness make you play it safe. You should never accept a just average love life.
So there they are: the 10 secrets to a better love life. But, you may exclaim, I think I've heard some of these before. It's a fair point. For instance, upon reading that communication is important for a healthy love life, there is no person in
Admittedly, these suggestions are not secrets. Or at least they aren't secrets like the purpose of
But if we already know this stuff, why do we keep buying the magazines
So the most important suggestion for a better love life is probably the last one: Just keep trying. Making a consistent effort is the key.
"If someone says that they don't have time or energy for a good sex life, then they can't expect to have a good sex life," says Castleman. "It's that simple."
About the author: R. Morgan Griffin
R. Morgan Griffin is a full-time freelance writer
© Copyright,
As seen in the May Issue of Main Street Magazine.
Printed in